I Wish I Could See Life Through His Eyes.

I wish I could see life through his eyes.

My sweet little boy,
I would give almost anything to be able to see life the way he does.

I know he views the world uniquely, as every child with autism does.
But, that doesn’t mean I know exactly how he views it.
And being non-verbal, it’s not like he can tell me about it either.

I can speculate that sounds are louder for him, that lights are brighter, or that touches are different. But I can’t know.

That’s part of our struggle every day, because sometimes I fail to read his mind,to know what he is upset about. It can be incredibly difficult at times to know what is going on in his head, despite being extremely in tune with him.

I also wish I could see the beautiful things. While we struggle with communication, which can lead to some not-so-fun moments, we also have some amazing moments.

My boy is incredibly sweet, determined, smart, and brave. He is capable of seeing the beauty in everyday life that most people don’t. I wish I could share that with him.

There are times when he holds pictures or cards extremely close to his face as he scans them, sometimes with squinted eyes.
He doesn’t have eye problems, it’s just a “quirk” he does when he is interested in something.
I wish I could see things this way, just to see what he sees.

I wish I knew why when he sees fish, it triggers the phrase: “son of a b***h.”.

Are you gasping? “How does a non-verbal child know and say that phrase?”
Because I am human, I stubbed my toe in our hallway on our metal gate (which really, really hurt); and the words just fell out of my mouth. Two seconds later I hear my son echo the phrase.
He continued this for a few days off and on. Then he stopped, now he only says it when he sees fish. Which means either Walmart or the doctors office. It’s really quite comical when I get over the stares and judgement I receive when it happens.

If you’re wondering why I consider my son “non-verbal” even though he repeats phrases and such occasionally; come back to this page in a few days for a link to a post I’ll be sharing on the topic OR look up Echolalia and it’ll help you understand.

Last summer we went to a splash pad near our home. I encouraged Laws to run through the water.

At one point he made it to the middle and stopped. I saw he become overwhelmed as he got a far away look in his eyes.
There was too much going on and I had to go to him and take him by the hand to lead him out of the spraying water. He didn’t even look up at me, he just followed the tug of my hand.

I wish I knew what he was experiencing in that moment. I wish I could have seen it the way he did.

In a way I wish I could see these things the way he does so I could better understand him, to better help him when he needs me. But there are times where I wish I could see it the way he does because honestly it seems a heck of a lot more fun and interesting!

For example, he is oblivious to the stares, to the world really. Unless he wants to pay you any mind, he isn’t going to. He doesn’t see the people staring at him at the store when he flaps his hands and he doesn’t care.
I wish I had this quality.

While I’ve been getting used to and getting better at ignoring the stares, I also would be lying if I told you that it doesn’t effect me at all.

I wish I could live in his little world with him.
And I wish I could understand how he thinks.

I really wish he could tell me about it, but that’s a discussion for another day.

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